Source:  SmartMoney

They’ve all vacationed with their ex-spouses and kids.

While such post-marital closeness is inconceivable to some divorced couples, others say it’s a great way to save money and to foster good memories, for the children — and even the parents.

“If you get along with your ex, it can be very easy to do,” said Mike Geoffrion, 39, who has vacationed with his ex-wife, Janna, and kids, including a trip to Disney World.

Geoffrion, who manages a bike store in Fort Collins, Colo., divorced in 2006 after six years of marriage but thinks the joint vacations have been nice for the kids as well as the adults. Supervising and entertaining children is less stressful with two parents, he said, and he enjoyed the adult interaction.

“You get tired of talking to an 8-year-old over nice, expensive dinners,” he said.

Vacationing together has worked well for Meredith Morton, 39, an actress in Los Angeles, and her ex-husband, Shane Edelman. When they first divorced in 2004, they took vacations with their infant son, Ace, because they both wanted to enjoy his “firsts.” Since then, they have each remarried yet continue to vacation en masse with their new spouses, Ace and his three half-siblings.

They recently rented a large house in Palm Springs, Calif., and spent three days relaxing by the pool, playing with the children and making fun of golfers.

“It wasn’t like we were just sharing rent. We went to be with them,” Morton explained.

It helps that her husband, Scott Cutler, a music producer, gets along with Edelman. For one thing, Cutler likes to eat and Edelman likes to cook.

“Die Hard” actor Willis has vacationed with his former wife, Demi Moore, their three daughters and her current husband, Ashton Kutcher.

“It’s hard to understand, but we go on holidays together,” he told Vanity Fair in a 2007 interview. “We still raise our kids together — we still have that bond.”

Fran Walfish, a psychologist in Beverly Hills, Calif., and author of The Self-Aware Parent, said divorced couples vacationing amicably with their kids “gets my complete endorsement.”

But she cautioned, children of divorce often fantasize that their parents will reunite, and vacationing together might feed that. Parents need to be clear that the trip is a special event, like a Disney visit or a birthday trip, “and say, ‘We really just wanted to both be with you.’” Prince Andrew and Sarah Ferguson have made a ski trip with their two daughters a nearly annual event since their divorce in 1996.

Huffington, 60, waited 12 years after her divorce to vacation with her ex-husband, former Republican Congressman Michael Huffington, and their teen daughters. But the 2009 trip to Greece was so successful that she blogged: “I only hope that, for the sake of the over 1 million children a year whose parents get divorced, it’s a journey more and more families take.”

What advice do divorced travel veterans have for those who might consider giving it a try?

Geoffrion said it has only worked for him when neither he nor his ex-wife were in a serious relationship. And, he said, although he paid for the previous trips, he’s at a point where he would expect to split the expenses.

Karen Stewart, chief executive of Fairway Divorce Solutions, a Calgary-based divorce mediation company with franchises throughout North America, recommends exes vacationing together negotiate the ground rules before the trip.

Differences in parenting style become even more apparent when couples live apart, says Stewart, author of the book How to Divorce with Dignity and Move on with Your Life. Pre-trip agreement needs to be reached about finances, chores and sleeping arrangements.

Source: Chicago Sun-Times

More couples are filing for divorce, thanks to gains in the U.S. economy that make it easier to divide assets.

Divorce is expensive, so when the economy tanked, a lot of unhappy couples decided it just wasn’t the time to split. Some held off when they couldn’t sell their home. Federal figures suggest the divorce rate fell about 7 percent between 2006 and 2009, and divorce lawyers across the country saw business dry up. But that’s changing.

“I would say that over the last six months, the activity in our firm has probably picked up by 20, 25 percent,” says Sandy Ain, a divorce lawyer in Washington, D.C.

In fact, Ain is getting so many calls that he can’t handle them all. He sees several reasons for the uptick.

“One is the credit markets are actually loosening up,” he says. “Banks are starting to lend money again.”

That means someone can borrow money to buy out a spouse — to pay for one’s share of the house, for example. Or, as is common for business owners, to give a spouse his or her legal share in the family enterprise.

Another big change is that the stock market has nearly doubled from its darkest days. When retirement funds and savings accounts are fatter, people feel more secure striking out on separate lives.

Finally, there is simply pent-up demand.

“When a person is ready to have a divorce, they generally don’t like it to take two or three or four years to get finished,” says Linda Lea Viken, president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. “So I think there’s a part of the population who just doesn’t want to wait anymore.”

Still, crude as it seems, the business cycle can play a crucial role in a divorce settlement. Some lawyers say they’ve been advising certain clients to put off separation during the down economy. Viken says that whether now is the “right” time depends on several variables.

“If a person receives a business, for example,” she says, “and the other person receives a house, the value of those two assets is extremely important in determining what else happens.”

That’s because the aim is often a 50-50 split of a couple’s assets. So if, say, a man receives a business that has declined during the recession, giving it less value, he’ll likely get to keep more of the couple’s other assets. And that property settlement is final — there is no re-doing it once the economy rebounds and that business, or house, is worth a lot more.

Viken says there is something else to consider. It used to be that if your ex-spouse took over a joint credit card or mortgage after a split, the bank or lender would take your name off the contract. But Viken says they’ve largely stopped doing that since the recession hit.

“They want to be assured that they have two people they can go after for these debts,” she says. “So if the other person defaults on it, you may not even know that — and yet your credit’s going to be affected, and eventually you’re going to get that phone call about this huge debt that hasn’t been paid.”

Overall, divorce has been on the decline in recent years. And Brad Wilcox of the National Marriage Project says a lot of couples report that the recession actually strengthened their union. Still, money woes are notoriously tough on marriages, and Wilcox says the recession has hit lower-income Americans hardest.

“My view is that as we move forward, we’re going to see the long arm of the recession reaching out and grabbing working-class and poor couples a lot more than college-educated and more affluent couples,” he says.

In a survey released this week, Wilcox finds that married people without a college degree are twice as likely to say they are thinking about divorce.

Source:  JENNIFER LUDDEN, National Public Radio

Follow the link to this page:  http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/copingduringdivorce/u/coping_divorce1.htm

A recent survey by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers found that Facebook is cited in one in five divorces in the United States. Also, more than 80 percent of divorce lawyers reported a rising number of people are using social media to engage in extramarital affairs.

“We’re coming across it more and more,” said licensed clinical psychologist Steven Kimmons, Ph.D., of Loyola University Medical Center in Maywood, Ill. “One spouse connects online with someone they knew from high school. The person is emotionally available and they start communicating through Facebook. Within a short amount of time, the sharing of personal stories can lead to a deepened sense of intimacy, which in turn can point the couple in the direction of physical contact.”

Though already-strained marriages are most vulnerable, a couple doesn’t have to be experiencing marital difficulties in order for an online relationship to blossom from mere talk into a full-fledged affair, Kimmons said. In most instances, people enter into online relationships with the most innocent of intentions.

“I don’t think these people typically set out to have affairs,” said Kimmons, whose practice includes couples therapy and marriage counseling. “A lot of it is curiosity. They see an old friend or someone they dated and decide to say ‘hello’ and catch up on where that person is and how they’re doing.”

It all boils down to the amount of contact two people in any type of relationships –
including online – have with each other, Kimmons said. The more contact they have, the more likely they are to begin developing feelings for each other.

“If I’m talking to one person five times a week versus another person one time a week, you don’t need a fancy psychological study to conclude that I’m more likely to fall in love with the person I talk to five times a week because I have more contact with that person,” Kimmons said.

Stories of people whose marriages were destroyed by affairs that began on social networking sites abound on the Internet. It’s enough to make some people swear off online technology for life. Though there are no hard-and-fast rules to follow, there are some safeguards couples can apply to decrease the chance of online relationships getting out of control. For starters, do a self-assessment of why you’re using online sites.

“Look at the population of the people who are your online friends,” Kimmons said. “Is it a good mixture of men and women? Do you spend more time talking to females versus males or do you favor a certain type of friend over another? That can tell you something about how you’re using social networks. You may not even be aware that you’re heading down a road that can get quickly get pretty dangerous, pretty fast to your marriage.”

Another safeguard is to spell out from the beginning with your online contacts what your expectations are of social networking relationships. Also, it’s a good idea to not engage in intimate conversation with someone who is not your spouse.

“From the start tell your online friend that you’re not looking for anything more than establishing old contacts with people to find out how they’re doing,” Kimmons said.

In some instances, couples could share passwords with each other and place the computer in a common area in the house or apartment.

“It’s not that people are going to read what you’re writing but they’ll see what you’re doing,” he said. “Then it’s not a secret.”

Couples can also set parameters around how much time and when they are online each day.

“If you’re doing this at 2 o’clock in the morning with no one watching because you don’t want anyone else to know about it, that should be a signal to you that this is something approaching a boundary line or you’re at least moving in that direction,” Kimmons said.

SYNOPSIS: When children are used as weapons in divorce battles, how much damage is being done? England’s most senior family court judge has accused divorcing couples – and well-educated parents in particular – of using their children to try to score points in their personal disputes. Sir Nicholas Wall said parents who separate “rarely behave reasonably”, use their children as both “the battlefield” and “the ammunition” and simply don’t realise how much damage they’re inflicting on them. He believes things would improve if the family justice system was less adversarial and discouraged parents to fight.  Click on the link below for the full audio discussion:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00v1pj0?goback=.gde_96041_member_31564829#p00bf28k

Source:  The BBC

By MARY PILON

Breaking up is always hard to do. In the worst economic downturn most of us have ever lived through, it can be downright excruciating.

Plummeting home values, sagging investments, job worries and exploding college and health-care costs have made parting ways and splitting assets more difficult than ever.

Even for couples with fewer assets than, say, Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren, that is a good recipe for frustration and anger. One St. Louis family lawyer, Marta Papa, has seen such a rise in client hostility that she purchased a Taser, which she places on a nearby end table when couples come in.

“The scarier part is that I’ve had to use it three times” by casting a red laser-beam light as a warning, Ms. Papa says. “I guess the chocolates and classical music weren’t enough.”

There are, however, a number of cheaper, less-stressful alternatives to the traditionally costly and acrimonious divorce proceeding. For couples willing to do some of the legwork themselves, options such as mediation and collaborative divorce can pay off financially. The key: working together, something most divorcing couples can’t easily do.

Mick and Patricia Twomey, now 40 and 39 years old, respectively, have found it difficult to untie the knot. They decided to separate in 2007 after 10 years of marriage, but didn’t finalize their divorce until last year. In the interim, they watched helplessly as the value of their business, house and investments tumbled.

The couple, who have two school-age daughters, own and operate three preschools in Frisco, Texas, a suburb of Dallas, the first two of which they purchased in 2004. Every week, their stress mounted as parents, clutching pink slips, would yank their kids from their programs. Ms. Twomey’s retirement accounts from her previous employer dropped 30% in value, she says, and the family home became encircled by “for sale” signs. Mr. Twomey, who now lives there alone—except when his kids are there—estimates it has lost 20% in value since the peak.

At one point, the Twomeys’ finances were spiraling so rapidly that the couple began to argue about how often to update the values on their Excel charts while they worked with lawyers to draft a divorce agreement.

“We waited two years for the economy to turn around,” Ms. Twomey says, “and especially toward the end, it was looking for sure like we were splitting up things when things were most bleak. It went from a scary change to a huge scary change.”

The recession—the most brutal downturn since the Great Depression, by many measures—has pounded many families. Average home values were down almost 31% as of March 31 from their peak in mid-2006, according to the most-recent S&P/Case-Shiller national index. Many portfolios were pummeled as the Dow Jones Industrial Average fell 28% from Oct. 9, 2007, through Friday.

U.S. households owe a total of $11.7 trillion in consumer debt, according to a report released this month by the Federal Reserve Bank of New York. That is 6.5% less than the peak in 2008, but still double the debt load of a decade ago. And some 6.6 million Americans are considered “long term” unemployed, having been jobless and actively seeking work for at least 27 weeks, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics.

Historically, the number of divorces filed decreases in weaker economies. The divorce rate for married women, which increased to 17.5 for every   1,000 people in 2007 from 17.3 in 2005, fell to 16.9 in 2008, according to the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia.

While some experts claim the decline is rooted in a need to band together in tough times, many say that the reluctance to split devalued assets—and debts—is one big reason many couples put off breaking up.

Another Reason: skyrocketing legal fees.

Litigation can cost tens of thousands of dollars, take several months or even years, and is likely to disclose more personal information than mediated or collaborative divorces would. In Texas, for example, divorces can be put forth as jury trials, with peers determining who owns what assets.

One couple spent two hours in court arguing over a leaf blower, Ms. Papa says. “I could have bought them each a new one for the amount it cost them.”

Those billable hours add up fast. The average partner in a family-law firm charges $360 an hour, according to a survey conducted this year by the National Law Journal and ALM Legal Intelligence, up from $228 an hour a decade ago. That is an increase of 57.9%, compared with a 29.5% increase in the Consumer Price Index over the same period.

Tighter state budgets have compounded the situation by jam-packing court dockets, which causes delays that can ratchet up legal bills and other divorce costs, experts say. In response, some Arizona counties now provide self-service kiosks in their courts for couples seeking a cheaper divorce.

Rachael Davies of Aurora, Ill., who describes her divorce so far as being in a state of “stalemate” over the division of debts, has a temporary agreement with her ex that addresses child support, spousal support and some joint property. So far, she estimates the divorce has cost her at least $8,000 in legal and other fees. “It’s a work in progress,” she says.

Alternative Divorce

The growth in so-called alternative divorce methods has helped trim costs. Only 1% of mediation cases cost couples more than $15,000, compared with 11% of litigated cases, according to the Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts, a group of financial professionals who specialize in divorce.

In mediation, couples meet with lawyers outside of court to hash out a mutually acceptable agreement that is later brought before a judge. In collaborative divorce, couples typically engage a phalanx of experts—including lawyers, mental-health professionals and financial planners—to work out an agreement in a more-structured environment of negotiation.

The cheapest way is if a couple can strike an agreement by themselves and then take it to a lawyer to draw up the necessary documents, says Norma Levine Trusch, a marital lawyer and past president of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals, a group of lawyers and mental-health and financial professionals who specialize in collaborative law.

The more couples can agree on in advance, the smoother and cheaper the process will be.

The Twomeys decided to use the collaborative-divorce process, which is encouraged under Texas divorce laws. In a series of five meetings with two attorneys and mental-health and financial professionals, the couple mapped out their post-marriage lives.

“It’s almost like Turbo Tax for divorce,” Mr. Twomey says. “You just answer the questions and everything gets filled out.”

Concerned about the price it would fetch, they decided not to sell their business. They were also worried that, with unemployment so high, neither of them would be able to find a new job. So they drafted a detailed agreement for how they would continue to manage the company, which stipulates specific job duties and what the other side can do to enforce them. If either spouse remarries, the new spouse isn’t entitled to a share of the business.

Instead of putting their home on the market, the couple factored the remaining equity into their joint assets, which they divided 50-50. Mr. Twomey then took sole ownership of the home, while Ms. Twomey received an equal amount in cash and investments—and sole ownership of another home the couple had purchased earlier—to offset the difference.

The two share joint custody of their children, and each contributes funds into a joint account for expenses related to the kids. They also cut down on discretionary spending. “You take a 50% pay cut when you get divorced,” Ms. Twomey says.

Some couples take even more initiative, buying divorce-settlement and planning software or representing themselves in court. But such an approach could backfire if an agreement doesn’t conform to state laws, or could result in an unequal settlement requiring costly untangling down the line, says Laura C. Belleau, a family lawyer in Tucson, Ariz.

Devilish Details

Regardless of how a couple divorces, the small details of splitting up assets in a divorce are magnified immensely during a downturn.

Each spouse likely will be required to provide financial documentation, such as tax returns, brokerage statements and statements of debt. Generally, in “equitable distribution” states, judges look at what is “fair,” so all marital property is considered before it is divided. In “community property” states, such as California, marital assets are typically split 50-50.

When dividing debts, judges generally look at the amount of debt and the reason it was incurred. If it was created separate from the marriage, it likely is to go to that party. If it was a marital debt, it likely would be split—but the court may have its own discretion in dividing property.

With home values low and properties difficult to unload, couples are increasingly buying out one of the parties, with the other partner remaining in the home, as the Twomeys have done. Or they are drafting terms for the eventual sale, including a timeline and prices that would be acceptable for both parties, or how to split losses on the home.

Because of market volatility, many lawyers are drafting agreements so that assets, especially portfolios, are divided as a percentage of value versus concrete dollar amounts. Couples should consider the tax consequences, however, if different pieces of a portfolio are liquidated—specifically capital-gains taxes, which currently have a top rate of 15% for assets held more than one year, but which could rise in 2011. Some retirement plans and pensions may require additional paperwork in divorce.

But be wary of accepting shares of a company or family business, says Cary Carbonaro, a financial planner in Fair Lawn, N.J., especially if it puts your financial future in the hands of your ex. One client came to her with a great chunk of her divorce settlement wrapped up in stock from the company her husband worked at. “She couldn’t sleep at night,” Ms. Carbonaro says. “Her entire net worth was tied up in the fluctuating price of the stock.”

Health-insurance plans, including Cobra coverage, are the type of asset that often is overlooked in good economic times but become more important during a downturn. In 2007, when Sarah Hanley of Helena, Ala., and her husband divorced, he paid her Cobra costs until she found a job and covered their two children’s health care. In hindsight, she says, she wished she included child care, dance lessons and camp costs in the settlement. “The summertime kills me,” she says.

If a couple is pursuing bankruptcy, then the legal process gets more complicated. Lawyers typically will send them to bankruptcy court and put the divorce proceedings on pause, since bankruptcy court has overriding jurisdiction over divorce court.

As for the Twomeys, they are planning on opening a fourth preschool next spring—together.

Source:  The Wall Street Journal.  August 28, 2010

While a divorce can be one of the most traumatic events of an adult’s life, the keys to dealing with divorce can be found in the behavioral patterns of early childhood. Dr. Deb Hecker explores the similarities between developing oneself as a human being and redeveloping oneself as a newly single person. Understanding these similarities and how to better address the psychological issues of divorce can make the process easier and much less painful to endure.

Introduction

The transition from being part of a couple to being successfully divorced has as much to do with exercising emotional intelligence as it does legal intelligence. While a divorce attorney plays a vital role, some of the most difficult impasses in divorce are based upon unresolved emotional issues, not concerns over division of assets, property, or even custody issues. At these times, focusing solely on the facts or the content of the case simply cannot break the emotional stalemate.

Most of the literature on the psychology of divorce treats divorce as the death of a relationship and focuses on the necessity of grieving that death in order to move forward as a no-longer-married person. The end of a marriage can be as traumatic as the actual death of a loved one in its capacity to wrench life apart and carve out a piece of the soul. You may have experienced this emotional chasm which Abigail Trafford in her book Crazy Time, Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life refers to as “temporary insanity.”

In order to more fully understand why divorce is such a devastating transition and why otherwise nice people behave so badly during divorce — badly enough to inadvertently interfere in the process — it is crucial that you have a grasp of the psychology of separation. You should understand how transitioning from being part of a couple complete with the emotional, social, and financial security that comes from being a part of a team to being single and self-reliant can create such emotional upheaval.

The metamorphosis from being part of a marital couple to becoming a single, unattached person can best be described as a series of developmental stages paralleling the early years of the mother-child bond, as described by pioneering researcher, Dr. Margaret Mahler. In her groundbreaking book, The Psychological Birth of the Human Infant: Symbiosis and Individuation, Mahler outlines her model of child development which can be directly applied to the interactive characteristics of a couple’s relationship.

The following brief description of Mahler’s theory on separation-individuation provides the framework for understanding the process through which a child must transition in order to achieve a separate identity from its mother. After exploring the mother-child dyad, we will look at how it serves as the foundation for the marital relationship and what happens when that relationship dissolves.

Child Developmental Stages

Mahler saw the infant as being born into a normal autistic phase whose primary task is to establish equilibrium outside the womb. At around two months old, the infant’s sensitivity to external stimulation increases, and he moves into the symbiotic phase. The term “symbiosis” in this context is a metaphor describing the “undifferentiation” — a fusion with the mother in which the “I” is not yet differentiated from the “not-I”. According to Mahler, it is the symbiotic phase that becomes the template for all gratification, as well as empathy and love in future relationships.

At about five or six months, the differentiation phase begins, and the infant becomes more alert to his external surroundings — exploring both the mother and the environment. Using his body, the baby learns his outer physical boundaries, thereby experiencing greater differentiation from the mother. Soon thereafter, the practicing phase begins in which the child, according to Mahler, develops a “love affair” with the world, learning to crawl and walk away from the mother. Assuming she is comfortable with this leap of autonomy, the child will successfully enter the rapprochement phase, a difficult time when the child is more ambivalent about his growing independence and begins to manifest a lot of push-pull behavior. Finally, consolidation of individuality begins to take place and all previous mother-child interactions become internalized and begin to form the basis of the child’s feelings of well being and capacity for healthy future relationships.

The Marital Couple’s Developmental Stages

Using Mahler’s early-childhood developmental stages as a springboard, we can explore the evolution of a couple’s relationship.

The first stage of couplehood, that of being “madly in love,” can be likened to Mahler’s second stage of infant growth — symbiosis. The purpose of this stage is attachment. In this stage, singles begin merging lives and personalities and go through a period of intense bonding. If each person receives nurturance from the other during this stage and the agreement to form a couple is clear, the relationship will begin with a solid foundation. The partners conceptualize their relationship in terms of a fusion model; together, we shall be one. They look to each other for completion and fulfillment.

During the subsequent differentiation stage, individual differences emerge, and each partner is taken down from the pedestal and viewed more objectively. Greater boundaries are established. Disillusion and disappointment are inevitable.

Continuing the parallel with Mahler’s model, the couple enters a normal period of practicing in which each participates in activities and relationships away from the other. Separateness, autonomy, and self become more important than developing the relationship. Conflicts intensify, and a healthy process for conflict resolution becomes necessary in order for the couple to maintain an emotional connection while developing themselves in the world. After each has developed a well-defined, competent identity, the couple alternates between periods of increased intimacy and efforts to reestablish independence. This rapprochement stage achieves a balance between “me” and “we”. Finally, the couple reaches a stage of mutual interdependence where, ideally, two well-integrated people are individually and mutually satisfied.

Loss of Mate: The Psychology of Divorce

Inevitably, the early mother-child bond will fall short of perfectly meeting all of the child’s needs and desires. Looking to one’s spouse to meet these unfulfilled needs often becomes a convenient way to fill the gap in adulthood. Unconsciously, dependency is shifted from the parent to the mate who becomes the recipient of these unmet needs.

While this may appear on the surface to be a reasonable solution, it is, in fact, fraught with real problems. Left unattended, these problems can lead the couple to serious conflict, even divorce.

Let’s look at a common marital dynamic. The typical couple starts off their partnership in the symbiotic phase, the fusion model, where they are both working toward oneness. What happens if one partner transitions into the differentiation or practicing phase and begins seeking greater independence, while the other remains in the symbiotic phase, still yearning for the security of the marriage and locked in the maternal fantasy role? The result is likely to be a bumpy ride with one partner seeking closeness and the other distance, creating a kind of seesaw effect. With the help of a marriage counselor, some couples can remedy this imbalance. For others, the disparity is too difficult to change, and divorce becomes the only solution.

The depth with which marital partners touch each other in their intimate lives, striving to achieve a balance between closeness and distance, must be understood in order to grasp the severity of the loss through divorce. Losing a spouse who is perceived as a protector and savior, much the same way that a parent is perceived, can be a devastating and frightening blow. When you understand divorce in the context of uprooting a deep psychological anchor from its mooring, the dramas that attend the process are much easier to comprehend.

Conclusions

Since many, if not most, individuals in the midst of divorce will find themselves feeling alone and frightened at some point, it can be very difficult and sometimes nearly impossible for them to make rational decisions that are in their own best interest. People in this vulnerable state often become dependent on their divorce attorney — looking for someone to “take care of everything” and promise them a better life.

Fearing for your emotional survival, you may see the world through childish eyes, repeating the early behavior patterns described by Mahler. Instead of assuming that your attorney has all the answers, which he does not, you need to actively flex your independence muscles and collaborate with your attorney in constructing your future. Remember, it is your life.

In many divorces much of the time spent on the process revolves not on your legal needs but on your emotional needs resulting from the loss of your marriage. Understanding how the separation process provides ample triggers for hurt, sadness, anger and fear will help you avoid having those emotions throw up roadblocks to progress and interfere with successful legal resolution.

In some respects, matrimonial lawyers face many of the same challenges that trained psychotherapists do, but without the benefit of training in how to manage these emotions. While it is important for you to seek out a divorce attorney who can empathize with the multiple losses you are experiencing and can listen to your personal pain, it is critical that you assume responsibility for recovering from the emotional stress of your separation.

If you are overwhelmed by your feelings and find that they are affecting your ability to deal with the legal issues of divorce, it may be time to seek professional counseling. A counselor who specializes in separation and loss can help you to minimize the potentially destructive impact your emotions can have on the legal process as well as facilitate your acceptance of the divorce and your adjustment to life as an unmarried person. You must think beyond the immediate issues and work to ensure your emotional health both during and after the divorce. It’s too important to leave to chance.

Children of parents who fight a lot yet stay married experience more conflict in their own adult relationships than children of parents who fight and do get a divorce.

“The basic implication is, ‘Don’t stay together for the sake of the children if you’re in a high conflict marriage,’” said study researcher Constance Gager, of Montclair State University in New Jersey.

Relationship surveys

Some studies have shown children of divorced parents are more likely to get a divorce themselves, but it was not completely clear whether it was the divorce itself or the parents’ conflict that had the greater impact on a child’s relationships.

Gager and her colleagues analyzed the results of a national survey involving nearly 7,000 married couples and their children in the United States.

The parents were first surveyed in 1987. They were asked questions to gauge their level of marital conflict, including how often they disagreed over money, household tasks, the in-laws and other topics that might spur an argument.

Then between 1992 and 1993, both parents and children were surveyed. Children had to be at least 10 to be included, with 1,952 participants meeting the criteria. The researchers also assessed how the parents’ conflict changed between the two surveys, including whether the couple got a divorce.

The children, now adults aged 18 to 34, were again surveyed between 2001 and 2002. The participants, who were either married or cohabiting, were asked about their level of happiness and conflict in their current relationship.

Divorcing decisions

Children who grew up in high conflict families fared better in their adult relationships if their parents got a divorce.

The results held even after the researchers took into account other factors that could have influenced the children’s relationships when they were older, such as the whether the participants acted out as a children or had trouble getting along with others.

That isn’t to say divorce doesn’t affect children in the short-term, the researchers say.

“There is research to show in the short-term, kids go through a one- to two-year crisis period when their parents divorce, but that they are resilient, and they come back from that divorce,” Gager said.

Constant exposure to their parents’ strife is likely what causes children’s future relationships to suffer, the researchers say.

“If they’re constantly exposed to conflict, and the parents stay together, that means there’s many more years they’re exposed to conflict by their parents,” Gager told LiveScience. “Whereas if their parents get divorced, at least there’s a chance the parents will have less conflict after the divorce,” she said.

In contrast, parents’ happiness did not appear to affect the children’s adult relationships – children of happily married parents did not necessarily grow up to have happy partnerships themselves.

The researchers presented the study last year at the Annual Meetings of the Population Association of America and are currently preparing the work for publication in a scientific journal.

Source: Fox News

It is possible to modify child support payments, which are based on the income of both parents as well as the amount of time children spend with each parent. If any factor in that equation changes, you can ask for a change in support as well. First, go directly to your ex-spouse and see whether you can reach an agreement to modify the amount of support being paid, and whether there’s anything you can do to make up for the loss of support, like spending some of your newfound free time watching the kids so your spouse can work or save on child care costs.

If your ex doesn’t see things the way you do, you may have to ask a court to modify support. Child support guidelines are set by state law and courts don’t tend to deviate much from them, so if you’re really earning less, you’re likely to succeed in getting support changed. (You can check out a free child support calculator for your state to see what your support should be, based on your current income and timeshare.) But the judge will want to know what you’re doing to find replacement work and may schedule you to come back to court to show how things are progressing.

Don’t delay on this. Child support arrearages are serious business, and if you become delinquent you are at risk of losing your drivers’ license, passport, and professional licenses.

Spousal support is a different story. If you have an obligation to pay alimony, it’s likely that your final divorce judgment or settlement agreement defines when that obligation ends. If it doesn’t say that losing your job or income is a reason for support to end or change, then generally, you’re stuck paying until the obligation is done.